We were pregnant, and then we weren’t…

We had our FET (frozen embryo transfer) on August 17th – we transferred what our embryologist said looked like a perfect embryo that had just began to expand and hatch. Everything went smoothly and we were so excited about this next chapter of our lives, hoping and praying that our baby would stick around. Fast forward to 4dp5dt (four days past five day transfer) and I gave in and did the old ‘pee on a stick’ and there it was. In all it’s beautiful glory – our BIG FAT POSITIVE test. My heart was so happy. I was beyond excited. I couldn’t believe it had worked first transfer again. Blessed!

From then on out I did daily tests – all getting darker and darker as the days went on. First bloods were at 11dp5dt and my hcg came back at 614 – a nice strong number. Things were moving along as planned. Then onto our second bloods, they came back at 5,000. Again rising nicely and things were full steam ahead. My IVF nurses gave me the go ahead to book my first dating scan/ultrasound with our fertility doctor so I did that ASAP, I couldn’t wait to get our first glimpse of ‘baby E’ as Jason and myself had fondly named our little blessing. Our ultrasound was booked for September 14th, I had already started counting down the days! But the very next morning things took a turn for the worst….we wouldn’t be counting down the days anymore.

I woke up on Tuesday September 5th with very heavy bleeding, I could feel it dripping down my legs as I ran to the toilet. It was everywhere. Bright red and it had soaked through my undies and pyjama pants. I looked into the toilet and saw some rather big clots of blood. My heart sank. I knew this was the end. This wasn’t going to end well. I called out for Jason (who thankfully had that day off of work) and when he walked in I just burst into tears. He saw the blood and knew. After I showered and calmed myself down a little I called our IVF nurse to let her know and she booked us in with an emergency appointment with our fertility doctor asap, so we dropped Zach off at school and headed straight up to see him. By then my bleeding had gotten lighter. My doctor checked me and said my cervix was still closed and that the clots might just be congealed blood from sitting overnight etc. I guess he kind of got our hopes up because we didn’t give up, we thought we were in with a chance still. He ordered more bloods to be done the following day to see what my HCG was doing. I spent the rest of the day in bed, resting, crying…hoping for a miracle. By that night the bleeding had stopped, from then on I had no bleeding at all, I had no pain, no cramps, nothing at all that the ‘typical miscarriage’ symptoms were. The next morning I went in bright and early for my blood draw because normally they get back to us ASAP (usually lunch time or so) with the results, but this time we didn’t hear back until almost 5pm (talk about a long day) and the news wasn’t good. He said my levels had dropped from 5,000 all the way down to 1,200 – in only 48 hours. My heart was broken. I sat in the bathroom crying. I was holding on so tightly to that small little chance that everything was going to be ok. That our baby was going to pull through. All that crashed down with a 2 minute phone call. Jason came in and knew it was bad news. We hugged and he held me as I cried and sobbed. He was the one who stayed strong for us both. I’m so lucky to have him as my rock. But I know it was killing him too.

The following morning (also our wedding anniversary) we went to the hospital, for more bloods, and an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. Bloods came back and had dropped down from 1,200 to 600 (and something) in just 24 hours. Ultrasound showed that both my tubes were fine and it wasn’t ectopic. They found a gestational sack with no sign of a baby or a heartbeat. Just an empty sack where our baby once grew. So it’s likely I miscarried early Tuesday morning and the larger clots I lost were the baby. I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. That afternoon a steady blood flow started and continued for about 5-6 days. When we arrived home from the hospital there was a lovely bunch of flowers at the door, Jason had ordered them for our wedding anniversary, they were beautiful and I just lost it and began sobbing into his arms. It was such an emotional day.

I got a little tattoo reminder for our angel baby, ‘I carry your heart’ ❤️ I carried you for every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine.

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have a follow up appointment with our fertility doctor next month to work out our next move/plan. Our next FET won't be until early December. Taking this time to just relax and be with my family. Staying positive that our next transfer will be a success.

Thank you so much for reading my story, it always feels good to vent and let out emotions. Until next time…

Sarah xxx

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