When you let the secret out of the bag, “We’re trying for a baby” and months or years (in our case) pass by and there is still no baby, you hear the stupidest, sometimes insensitive and down right dumb comments. I thought I’d share some of the highlights I’ve had said to me/others have had said to them. Of course I mean no harm to anyone who might have said anything similar to someone in a situation involving infertility etc, (it can be an awkward or uncomfortable topic) just maybe it will help you know what NOT to say. Sometimes silence is golden…
6 stupid things people say to infertile couples…
1. “Just stop trying…it will happen when you stop trying. That’s what happened to my sister’s best friends, mum’s uncles, cousin…”
Ok first of all just stop! I don’t give a crap what happened with your sisters’s best friends, mum’s uncles cousin…I know your intentions are good, kind of throwing out a little sense of hope but it’s kind of hard to stop ‘thinking’ and ‘trying’ for something that you long for and hope for every day of your life…plus if you have infertility ‘just waiting it out’ and ‘forgetting’ about it won’t solve it.
2. “Think of all the money you will save not having to buy contraceptives ever again…”
Yes, because forking over $12,000+ for IVF treatments (not to mention emotional struggles, daily hormone injections, doctor fees…etc) is so much better. Oh and that’s if they even end up working. Great logic.
3. “You could adopt…”
I hate this comment the most – do you know how HARD adoption is? And how long of a process and how expensive it is? It’s not a simple process or a bandaid solution. Don’t get me wrong adoption is defintly an amazing thing but to even qualify for it (in Australia especially) is really hard so no…we can’t ‘just adopt…’
4. “God didn’t want you to have kids…”
Yep, I actually witnessed someone say this to another lady so not a personal experience. The lady said that IVF was wrong, that that baby shouldn’t have been born and that she was NOT meant to be a mother. Ok where to start with this one. First off I know plenty of people who conceived naturally and SHOULD NOT be mothers. Drug addicts, paedophiles, just to know a few. So you can honestly sit there and say that a mother who smokes crack and has a baby who is born ADDICTED to drugs and has days/weeks of withdrawal shakes/symptoms deserves to be a mother and a loving stable couple don’t? Again with that great logic.
5. “Just get a dog…”
Really? Well ok then but only if you don’t think I’m crazy if I put it in nappies, and push it around in a pram, and breastfeed it...oh wait NO that would be crazy AND stupid. Just like suggesting a dog could substitute a human baby…
6. “Oh I know what you are going through it took us 3 cycles to fall pregnant…”
No you don’t know what we are going through. 3 cycles is nothing. Hell on average it can take 6 months – 1 year for a ‘normal/healthy‘ couple to fall pregnant so actually 3 months is fast! Try 24+ cycles – then you can talk to me about how you know what I’m going through…
So there you have it, just a few of the things I have had someone/heard others say to people living with infertility. Hopefully if you come across someone/a friend dealing with the same or similar situations now you will have a little better understanding about what not to say (oh and please don’t tell them they can just have you kids…that jokes old and not funny!) Maybe instead just let them know that you are there for support, a shoulder to cry on. Or even do just a little IVF/infertility research. Let them know they are not alone.